Was that food poisoning?

This is not a story like any other. I’ll get straight to the point: there is no happy ending. Yes, it is complicated to find a bathroom or a quiet place to do one’s business, but in the end, one succeeds. You walk away winners. Not today.

A wintery evening on a normal Wednesday night in Berlin: cold, not too many people on the street and bars with windows fogged up by the heat. I’m at a friend’s house playing a little living room jam session. Calm music for our calm spirits. The blues make the hours go by, as do the beers that accompany our evening. Once the music is over and, tired and rather lazy, we look for the first burger place we come across. Worst mistake ever.

My two companions opt for a chicken burger and I for a classic cheeseburger. In retrospect, the cleanliness and general state of the place should have made us suspicious. We order and eat our burgers and I immediately notice that the taste is different from usual, ‘they cooked it right up to the point of burning, the taste is super intense’ – I think – but not a “good” intense, just strong. We finish, I say goodbye to my friends and head for the metro to go home. 

From this moment on, memories are blurred:

I am on the stairs leading to the station when I feel my digestive system twisting and tearing itself apart. I stop and immediately think that something is wrong. I don’t feel well and I have to reach home immediately, so I think of taking a sharing car service, it is evening, there is no traffic and in 10 minutes at the most I am sitting on MY toilet at home. So I do, there is a car parked a few meters from me, I get in it and drive through the Berlin night like a woman about to give birth. But I feel bad, very bad. And above all: I can’t find a parking space and I’m – there’s no other way to put it – shitting myself, literally. I finally find a parking spot, I feel worse and worse and my sphincter can’t hold back any longer. I stop the car and when I think I’m almost there, disaster, I can’t stop the brown river that, hot, fills my underwear compressed in the seat. One of the most disgusting sensations. I am ashamed and I feel terrible, I get out of the car without having the courage to look at the seat and I walk like a cripple towards home, luckily there is no one there to see how miserable a man can be. 

Are you in Berlin? Avoid this car

That night, besides washing myself 3 times in a row and throwing away my underwear, I suffered from what was probably food poisoning. However, if you are in Berlin and take a Car-Sharing, well, check the seat first.