Olympics and Gas Stations

One of the many potentially dangerous situations is the car; if you have a gut attack and have to go to the bathroom while driving, you will be consumed by yet another daily drama. Even if you are only a passenger, the problem is the same: finding a suitable place. If you are on the motorway, you have to hold on and get to the nearest service station, on normal roads you estimate how much time you have left to your destination otherwise there is no chance, you have to find a bar. All of this if there are no unexpected events.

Let’s come to the unexpected:

The situation I believe in is one of the worst of all is to be stuck in traffic on the motorway. I don’t even wish it to my worst enemy. The practical example happened in a very pleasant context: in summer, on the way to Spain, a road trip. Our little convoy is made up of two cars and I am sitting on the passenger side and watching the vegetation running through the window; at the drive a friend who has the total control of the situation. Heading to the border between France and Spain we proceed very slowly and the friend at the wheel makes me listen to his rich catalogue of blasphemies caused by the stop-and-go traffic, I’m only napping distractedly because we are on holiday, there is no hurry. Stomach-intestine situation: nothing to report.

After an endless number of invocations, the driver gets tired of being it and offers me to take the wheel. No problem. Since we are practically still, we get out of the car and switch seats, I adjust the seat, fasten the seatbelt, put the gear on and…. BOOOM! Without any warning my body decides it’s time to eject, I immediately understand the seriousness of the situation and I refer the situation to my mate that reacts only die laughing at me. Thanks a lot.

After 20 minutes and about 100 meters, I decide it’s time to act: I put the indicator on the right and park the car in the emergency lane, undo my belt and start searching in the trunk full of stuff, I find the package of toilet paper bought for the camping, with unexpected agility I climb over the guard rail that not even at the 110 obstacles and finally, I run, run and run towards the field. A bit like at the Olympics, unfortunately instead of the torch I carry paper. In front of me a glade, just a small tree that can do little to cover my shame.

Reaction of ALL the cars stopped in that stretch: after having seen a poor man with toilet paper in his hand, in full sight, they start a carousel of horns and shouts. But I don’t even hear them so much I’m concentrated in holding my sphincters and as soon as I get to the tree I get rid of the load that was pressing so hard on my underwear. How nice. What a joy. After having solved the problem, I walk towards the motorway, go over the guard rail again and find our two cars waiting for me, someone passing by honks a few times but I see it as a gesture of respect and approval, it takes courage to do what I have done.  I get back in the car and start driving again. My travelling mates didn’t lose their good mood for the rest of the holiday because of this episode, but I’m the one who laughed the most that day, I don’t need service stations or bars, I leave them for the rookies.